Virginia Tech Hokies
Virginia Tech is a large college in the thriving metropolis of Blacksburg, Virginia. Virginia Tech is a shortened version of the name of the college. The full name, as of 2006, is Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University Where Michael Vick Used To Play And I Think You Saw Us On TV Once For The Love Of God Please Come Here Instead Of University Of Virginia Please. The school is primarily known for its football program, which tends to finish their seasons extremely strong, especially in the month of November. Their main rivals are UVA, Miami, and West Virginia.
What is a Hokie?
According to the school handbook, the Hokies name originated in the 1890s. In 1896 the team was in need of increased spirit and attendance. A competition was held for a spirit cheer and O.M. Stull, a member of the Class of 1896, invented the word "Hokie" as part of the winning cheer, now known as the Old Hokie. "Hokie" was a nonsensical word used as an attention-getter in the cheer. Stull received a $5 prize. Around 1908, Tech students began referring to student athletes as "Gobblers" because of the way they "gobbled" up ample servings of food at the dining halls. In 1913, a local boy serving as a clown mascot had a large turkey pull him in a cart at football games. From then on, fans and sportswriters associated the gobbler with Tech's athletic teams, and for many years the school's official name for its sports teams was the Fighting Gobblers; though the term Hokies was widely used, the official designation was only changed in the mid-1980s by then-football coach and athletic director Bill Dooley. A costumed Gobbler mascot (now the Hokie Bird) was introduced during games in 1962, and has been a symbol of school spirit ever since.
Now fuck off. You're not funny when you ask that question.
See also: Hokies
Virginia Tech Football: Pre-Frank Beamer
Nothing to see here. Move along. This never existed.
Virginia Tech Football: The Frank Beamer Years
Frank Beamer took over the head coach position at Virginia Tech in 1987, after facing charges of smuggling illegal aliens into the stadium in his neck when he coached at Murray State. After beating those charges, he arrived at Virginia Tech, ready to use his football neck brain to turn the program around and become the powerhouse that everyone knew a former military cow college in the middle of Buttfuck, Nowhere would eventually become.
Beamer almost immediately turned the program around, based on a unique system of rewarding the players with marijuana and alcohol after playing well. While the systen took off slowly at first, by the time all-time great and future NFL Hall of Famer Jim Druckenmiller started shattering records in 1995, it became obvious that this new recruiting strategy was starting to pay off.
In 1999, Beamer would sell his soul to Satan in order to recruit the greatest and most exciting player in the history of all sports everywhere, Michael Vick. Vick immediately stepped on the field and proved why he was Jesus Christ reborn, leading the team to the national championship game singlehandedly that season. In many games, Vick would be the only person to take the field on offense, and would simply part the sea of defenders and walk to the goal line for a touchdown. Even off the field, the miracles never ceased. Michael Vick was known to turn water into wine for his younger brother Marcus, so he could use it to get underage girls drunk and sleep with them. While people thought that Michael would stay with the team forever in various reincarnations, the superstar disappeared into the air in 2001, never to be seen in any meaningful capacity again.
Following the bid for the national championship in 1999, Virginia Tech went on a successful string of seasons, frequently winning 10 games or more in a season, and producing such NFL superstars as Ronyell Whitaker, Grant Noel, Bryan Randall and Lee Suggs. They were also known for the moral quality of the players that went there, with players such as DeAngelo Hall, Jimmy Williams, and Marcus Vick setting the bar for on-field character.
On August 30, 2008 tragedy again struck the school when East Carolina took down the Hokies 27-22 in what can only be described as a bloodbath.
Seth Greenburg, future coach of some team that's not Virginia Tech, has provided us with a basketball team that we don't have to cover our faces with our hands when we watch.
Unless it's the end of the season.
Or the ACC tournament.
Or the NCAA tournament.
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