Toronto Maple Leafs

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Under-construction icon.jpg Warning: This team is currently in the process of being dismantled by its general manager, pictured here shovelling the crap off of the roster. Do not pin your hopes on their success any time within the next 5-10 years.
Please see the discussion on the talk page.
Hello boys! The only thing more fragile than my heart is Eric Lindros.

The Toronto Maple Leafs are the most popular and storied team in the history of hockey. You can ask any of their fans, or any of the 99% of NHL players who grew up living and dying with the fabled mid-80s superteams that Toronto put together. Being a member of the Original Six, Toronto is allowed to complain about anything that has happened in the last 80 years.

As a result of this, every time free agency rolls around, the Toronto-based hockey media and Maple Leafs fans everywhere begin wildly speculating as to just how eager the sport's biggest stars are to fulfill their lifelong dreams and come to their favorite organization, and happy they will be to sign for league minimum in exchange for playing for the greatest team in the history of athletic competition.

Providing a list of the players who want to play for the Maple Leafs would surely be a waste of time and bandwidth because odds are that if you can name an NHL player, he would give his left leg to be a Maple Leaf for just one shift.

However, it is not just players who are willing to do all they can to help the Toronto organization. Many of hockey's top executives will trade their best players and highest draft picks to have former Maple Leafs on their team, which is why any trade along the lines of "Joe Thornton, Vesa Toskala, and a 1st round pick for Carlo Colaiacovo and a 4th round draft pick" is not just plausible, but also something that has been actively discussed between the teams for months. In fact, most in the hockey world would consider the fourth round pick overpayment, and rightfully so.

Fans of other NHL teams who deny these plain facts and claim that not every player dreams of playing in Toronto are just jealous that their team does not have 1/100th of the aura and history that the Leafs possess.

Contrary to popular belief, the Leafs have not accomplished anything since the 60s, which is still more than any western Canada team has been able to claim.

Kyle Wellwood is distracted by fans throwing gold jewelry from the platinum seats at the Air Canada Centre. He was waived shortly after this picture was taken as his slick offensive talents did not fit in with the club's new direction

Current Roster

Maple Leafs player Alexei Ponikarovsky dekes himself out

The current roster of the Toronto Maple Leafs consists mostly of true-blooded Canadian Don Cherry fans and a few Eurotrash floaters like Mats Sundin Nik Antropov Mikhail Grabovski who couldn't hold Tie Domi's Ryan Hollweg Aki Berg's jock strap without pining for the fjords. As the Maple Leafs reside in the NHL city with arguably the largest immigrant population and greatest love for hockey, foreign-born players (see: Black Players In The NHL) frequently have trouble acclimatizing themselves to the great melting pot of cultures.

Toronto Maple Leafs players are well noted for their ability to keep hockey sticks between their legs and less so for placing the small, black, disc-like object into the opposing team's net - however, they are quite adept at fishing it out of their own net.

Not going anywhere for a while?

# Player Catches Acquired Current Role
35 Jean-Sebastien Giguere L 2010 1A Goalie Miscast as Franchise Goalie
50 Jonas Gustavsson L 2009 Translator told him he was signing with the Red Wings
# Player Shoots Acquired Current Role
3 Dion PhaneufC L 2010 BIG BODY PRESENCE
8 Mike Komisarek R 2009 Guy Who Makes Improbable Streaks of Freak Injuries Possible
15 Tomas KaberleA L 1996 Token Skilled Player
22 Francois BeaucheminA L 2009 A beautiful stallion
36 Carl Gunnarsson L 2007 Swedish defenceman; Trade Bait
4 Jeff Finger R 2008 Irritating Finger-related Joke Inducer
2 Luke Schenn R 2008 Please Don't Be a Bust
# Player Position Shoots Acquired Current Role
42 Tyler Bozak C L 2009 Skilled Two-way Forward Destined For a Checking Line Role
84 Mikhail Grabovski C L 2008 Checking Line Centre; Future Checking Line Centre; Likes pineapples
20 Christian Hanson C L 2009 Checking Line Centre; Seems partial to wearing tinfoil
81 Phil Kessel RW L 2009 Checking Line Winger
41 Nikolai Kulemin RW R 2006 Checking Line Winger
33 Luca Caputi LW L 2010 Checking Line Winger Miscast as a Scoring Line Winger
28 Colton Orr LW L 2009 Boxer miscast as Checking Line Winger
18 Wayne Primeau C L 2009 Checking Line Centre
11 Fredrik Sjostrom LW L 2009 Checking Line Winger; knows how to penalty-kill
45 Viktor Stalberg LW L 2006 Future Checking Line Winger; Promising Youngster Bound to Turn into AHL Fodder
39 John Mitchell C/LW L 2003 Checking Line Center/Winger; Token Ontario Native

Logo Controversy

According to a recent article in the Toronto Star, the Maple Leafs will soon be changing their logo - possibly the greatest in sports history - to something that couldn't possibly meet the lofty expectations placed by hockey's greatest fans. A report recently leaked by a janitor at the Air Canada Centre shows the current top contenders for the job:

Option #1
Option #2
Option #3

Several other noteworthy candidates were considered during meetings by the MLSE board but were rejected for copyright reasons.

It gets boring in the penalty box.


Fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs can generally be found in their natural habitat of the concession stands at the Air Canada Centre during the first and last five minutes of each period of a home game.

Ha ha! Just kidding. There are no known instances of actual Toronto Maple Leafs fans having secured tickets to a Maple Leafs home game through legitimate means since 1973.

2006-2007 Season



God help us all.


After a promising start to the season, the Leafs' quest for Stanley's Cup hit a few snags as injuries to key players like Mats Sundin, Pavel Kubina and Michael Peca hit hard. But the hardest blow of all was the loss of top-flight defender Andy Wozniewski for over 50 games.

Despite a monumental struggle to crack the top 8 in the Eastern Conference following the All-Star break, the Maple Leafs were unable to overcome the hurdle of having Andrew Raycroft as their best goaltender. They were eliminated from playoff contention by a combination of Kerry Fraser, the aforementioned Andrew Raycroft, The Trap, Damien Cox, Sergei Brylin, Garth Snow and growing league-wide bias against Toronto.

Why Did They Trade for Yanic Perreault?

This acquisition helped propel the Maple Leafs into the top tier of penalty-killing teams in the league, finishing with a whopping 78.5% efficiency in that department, a mere 0.6% behind the league-leading Phoenix Coyotes.

2007-2008 Season In Review


Because this is the only part of this page that will garner any attention, we are going to take this time to remind you dumbass Canadians that the word you are looking for is "Leaves". Suck it.

2008-2009 Season Preview

Front Office Revamp

With chief fucking retard John Ferguson Jr. finally getting the axe for too many season of dismal failure and diminishing returns, the Leafs were deep into their search for a new general manager and head coach. At some point, however, they decided to give up on that idea and suck off Brian Burke for 12 months until his contract expires. In the meantime, a senile goat accidentally wandered into the general manager position, hiring former San Jose Sharks coach Ron Wilson and signing him to a 4-year contract, just so Ron can earn a fat severance package when the new GM discovers he's a overrated windbag and axes him.

Why Would You Waive a Restricted Free Agent? I Mean, It Accomplishes Absolutely Nothing Besides Losing His Rights, Which You Could Have Kept By Tendering a Qualifying Offer and Waiving Him Later Anyways


Reasons for Hope

  • Tuukka Rask
  • Tyler Seguin
  • High 1st round pick in 2011
  • Hey wait

Summary of the Leafs' defensive play

Vesa defense.jpg

2009-2010 Season




Well, we got like 2nd to last in the whole damn league with no first rounder. Seriously, we traded for Kessel. Apparently, he was THE missing piece.

2012-2013 Season


How Can I Determine The Outcome of a Toronto Maple Leafs Game?

Leafs victory flowchart.png


Ed Belfour - Bill Barilko - Pat Quinn - I know this is hard to believe but players who won a Stanley Cup with the Calgary Flames and not the Toronto Maple Leafs - Famous Trade Deadline Coups of the Toronto Maple Leafs - Legendary Superstars of the Toronto Maple Leafs

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