Toronto Maple Leafs
The Toronto Maple Leafs are the most popular and storied team in the history of hockey. You can ask any of their fans, or any of the 99% of NHL players who grew up living and dying with the fabled mid-80s superteams that Toronto put together. Being a member of the Original Six, Toronto is allowed to complain about anything that has happened in the last 80 years.
As a result of this, every time free agency rolls around, the Toronto-based hockey media and Maple Leafs fans everywhere begin wildly speculating as to just how eager the sport's biggest stars are to fulfill their lifelong dreams and come to their favorite organization, and happy they will be to sign for league minimum in exchange for playing for the greatest team in the history of athletic competition.
Providing a list of the players who want to play for the Maple Leafs would surely be a waste of time and bandwidth because odds are that if you can name an NHL player, he would give his left leg to be a Maple Leaf for just one shift.
However, it is not just players who are willing to do all they can to help the Toronto organization. Many of hockey's top executives will trade their best players and highest draft picks to have former Maple Leafs on their team, which is why any trade along the lines of "Joe Thornton, Vesa Toskala, and a 1st round pick for Carlo Colaiacovo and a 4th round draft pick" is not just plausible, but also something that has been actively discussed between the teams for months. In fact, most in the hockey world would consider the fourth round pick overpayment, and rightfully so.
Fans of other NHL teams who deny these plain facts and claim that not every player dreams of playing in Toronto are just jealous that their team does not have 1/100th of the aura and history that the Leafs possess.
Contrary to popular belief, the Leafs have not accomplished anything since the 60s, which is still more than any western Canada team has been able to claim.
The current roster of the Toronto Maple Leafs consists mostly of true-blooded Canadian Don Cherry fans and a few Eurotrash floaters like
Mats Sundin Nik Antropov Mikhail Grabovski who couldn't hold Tie Domi's Ryan Hollweg Aki Berg's jock strap without pining for the fjords. As the Maple Leafs reside in the NHL city with arguably the largest immigrant population and greatest love for hockey, foreign-born players (see: Black Players In The NHL) frequently have trouble acclimatizing themselves to the great melting pot of cultures.
Toronto Maple Leafs players are well noted for their ability to keep hockey sticks between their legs and less so for placing the small, black, disc-like object into the opposing team's net - however, they are quite adept at fishing it out of their own net.
|35||Jean-Sebastien Giguere||L||2010||1A Goalie Miscast as Franchise Goalie|
|50||Jonas Gustavsson||L||2009||Translator told him he was signing with the Red Wings|
|3||Dion Phaneuf – C||L||2010||BIG BODY PRESENCE|
|8||Mike Komisarek||R||2009||Guy Who Makes Improbable Streaks of Freak Injuries Possible|
|15||Tomas Kaberle – A||L||1996||Token Skilled Player|
|22||Francois Beauchemin – A||L||2009||A beautiful stallion|
|36||Carl Gunnarsson||L||2007||Swedish defenceman; Trade Bait|
|4||Jeff Finger||R||2008||Irritating Finger-related Joke Inducer|
|2||Luke Schenn||R||2008||Please Don't Be a Bust|
|42||Tyler Bozak||C||L||2009||Skilled Two-way Forward Destined For a Checking Line Role|
|84||Mikhail Grabovski||C||L||2008||Checking Line Centre; Future Checking Line Centre; Likes pineapples|
|20||Christian Hanson||C||L||2009||Checking Line Centre; Seems partial to wearing tinfoil|
|81||Phil Kessel||RW||L||2009||Checking Line Winger|
|41||Nikolai Kulemin||RW||R||2006||Checking Line Winger|
|33||Luca Caputi||LW||L||2010||Checking Line Winger Miscast as a Scoring Line Winger|
|28||Colton Orr||LW||L||2009||Boxer miscast as Checking Line Winger|
|18||Wayne Primeau||C||L||2009||Checking Line Centre|
|11||Fredrik Sjostrom||LW||L||2009||Checking Line Winger; knows how to penalty-kill|
|45||Viktor Stalberg||LW||L||2006||Future Checking Line Winger; Promising Youngster Bound to Turn into AHL Fodder|
|39||John Mitchell||C/LW||L||2003||Checking Line Center/Winger; Token Ontario Native|
According to a recent article in the Toronto Star, the Maple Leafs will soon be changing their logo - possibly the greatest in sports history - to something that couldn't possibly meet the lofty expectations placed by hockey's greatest fans. A report recently leaked by a janitor at the Air Canada Centre shows the current top contenders for the job:
Several other noteworthy candidates were considered during meetings by the MLSE board but were rejected for copyright reasons.
Ha ha! Just kidding. There are no known instances of actual Toronto Maple Leafs fans having secured tickets to a Maple Leafs home game through legitimate means since 1973.
- Not being as bad as the
Ottawa SenatorsMontreal Canadiens.
- Not being one of two Ontario teams to fail to win the Cup
- Barely being better than the
Ottawa Senators Montreal CanadiensPhoenix Coyotes.
- Being one of two Ontario teams that failed to even get a chance to compete for the Cup
After a promising start to the season, the Leafs' quest for Stanley's Cup hit a few snags as injuries to key players like Mats Sundin, Pavel Kubina and Michael Peca hit hard. But the hardest blow of all was the loss of top-flight defender Andy Wozniewski for over 50 games.
Despite a monumental struggle to crack the top 8 in the Eastern Conference following the All-Star break, the Maple Leafs were unable to overcome the hurdle of having Andrew Raycroft as their best goaltender. They were eliminated from playoff contention by a combination of Kerry Fraser, the aforementioned Andrew Raycroft, The Trap, Damien Cox, Sergei Brylin, Garth Snow and growing league-wide bias against Toronto.
Why Did They Trade for Yanic Perreault?
This acquisition helped propel the Maple Leafs into the top tier of penalty-killing teams in the league, finishing with a whopping 78.5% efficiency in that department, a mere 0.6% behind the league-leading Phoenix Coyotes.
2007-2008 Season In Review
Because this is the only part of this page that will garner any attention, we are going to take this time to remind you dumbass Canadians that the word you are looking for is "Leaves". Suck it.
2008-2009 Season Preview
Front Office Revamp
With chief fucking retard John Ferguson Jr. finally getting the axe for too many season of dismal failure and diminishing returns, the Leafs were deep into their search for a new general manager and head coach. At some point, however, they decided to give up on that idea and suck off Brian Burke for 12 months until his contract expires. In the meantime, a senile goat accidentally wandered into the general manager position, hiring former San Jose Sharks coach Ron Wilson and signing him to a 4-year contract, just so Ron can earn a fat severance package when the new GM discovers he's a overrated windbag and axes him.
Why Would You Waive a Restricted Free Agent? I Mean, It Accomplishes Absolutely Nothing Besides Losing His Rights, Which You Could Have Kept By Tendering a Qualifying Offer and Waiving Him Later Anyways
FUCK IF I KNOW
Reasons for Hope
- Tuukka Rask
- Tyler Seguin
- High 1st round pick in 2011
- Hey wait
Summary of the Leafs' defensive play
- Barely being better than the
Ottawa Senators Montreal Canadiens Phoenix CoyotesThose Fucking Faggots.
- All 82 games.
Well, we got like 2nd to last in the whole damn league with no first rounder. Seriously, we traded for Kessel. Apparently, he was THE missing piece.
How Can I Determine The Outcome of a Toronto Maple Leafs Game?
Ed Belfour - Bill Barilko - Pat Quinn - I know this is hard to believe but players who won a Stanley Cup with the Calgary Flames and not the Toronto Maple Leafs - Famous Trade Deadline Coups of the Toronto Maple Leafs - Legendary Superstars of the Toronto Maple Leafs