Tim Rattay
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Tim Rattay is a UFL player, currently with the Las Vegas Locomotives.
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Early Life
Rattay was born March 15, 1977 in Elyria, Ohio. Rumor states that his birth was accompanied by a choir of angels and three wise men, though these reports are unsubstantiated. In time he moved to Arizona and attended Phoenix Christian High School where he played quarterback and defensive back, as well as basketball, and starred at both sports, setting state records in football.
College Career
Upon his graduation he went on to Louisiana Tech where he starred at quarterback and led the NCAA in awesome. He started all 33 game he appeared in, throwing at least one touchdown pass in all but one of them. He currently holds the NCAA Division I-A record for average passing yards per game with 386.2, and is only the second player in NCAA history to 12,643 yards of total offense.
Pro Career
Tim Rattay's professional career is long and storied, and continues to be to this day.
Early NFL Years
Rattay was drafted in the seventh round of the 2000 NFL Draft, 212th overall, by the San Francisco 49ers. The New England Patriots considered drafting him in the sixth round with their 199th pick but were having trouble deciding between Rattay and a fellow college star, Michigan's Tom Brady. In the end Rattay had the edge in physical measurable stats and overall athletic talent, but for reasons unknown they gave Brady the edge in intelligence and polish. This is a mistake the Patriots have regretted ever since.
His early years with the 49ers were uneventful. He was designated third quarterback, seeing his first career live game action against San Diego in a 45-17 win. While he only had one complete pass for -4 yards, his eventual stardom was evident. The following year he had a legendary year, completing 100% of his passes for an average of 10.5 yards per attempt with a quarterback rating of 110.4.
Rattay's First Pro Start
He would continue to astound audiences and players on both teams in relief efforts until 2003 when he got his first start for the injured and probably homosexual Jeff Garcia against the St. Louis Rams on November 2, a day which remains legendary in NFL lore.
Few sportswriters or even fans gave the 49ers a chance against the dominant Rams, still Super Bowl contenders during the Greatest Show On Turf era. Odds were against our hero, but many diehard fans believed in him. The crowd was noisy in their support, lending what help they could.
After the opening kickoff was returned for a touchdown and the defense did their job, Rattay took the field, ready to prove the doubters wrong and show that even the mighty Rams were no match for his incredible talent and iron will. At the end of the day, all his critics were silenced. The mighty Rams had fallen, and fallen hard, by a score of 30-10. Rattay was simply dominant, passing for 236 yards and three touchdowns, with a completion percentage of 65.5 and a quarterback rating of 110.7.
The Remainder of the 2003 Season
Despite his Herculean effort and overwhelming victory in his first start, doubters still existed. He would get his second start against the Pittsburgh Steelers on November 17, and many insisted he would come back to earth, that his astounding success was merely a fluke. Those critics were at a loss for words by the end of the day.
San Francisco again dominated offensively, winning by a score of 30-14. Rattay's stats were even more impressive this time around with 254 yards and two touchdowns, 77.8% completions and an inhumanly high quarterback rating of 130.6. Even his fiercest opponents hailed him as a professional football demigod. Parades were held in his honor and women threw themselves at him in the street.
Unfortunately, even the best quarterbacks can't be perfect, and Rattay again entered the realm of mortals against the 49ers arch nemeses, the Green Bay Packers. His team lost, the first loss of his career, and he merely posted a rating of 57.9, respectable but not nearly up to his lofty standards.
The following week Garcia was declared healthy enough to reclaim his starting spot and was granted it, a move regretted by coaches and fans alike years later. Garcia managed to lead the same team which had decimated St. Louis and Pittsburgh to a crushing 44-6 loss to Baltimore. This led to wide receiver Terrell Owens to say the only true and intelligent thing he has ever said in his entire life and call for Rattay's return to the starting role, a call which was unheeded and led to his eventual departure and psychological implosion.
Rattay's Rise and Fall
The 49ers parted with Garcia following the season and annointed Rattay the starter. Unfortunately they also parted with essentially the entire core of the team, jettisoning the starter at every offensive skill position. Even a legendary man among boys like Rattay couldn't make something of nothing, and though he ended the season with a respectable (especially considering the circumstances) quarterback rating of 78.1 he was blamed in part for the 2-14 season.
The primary theory is that he simply set the bar too high. His unparalelled greateness in his starts the season before made the coaching staff and front office expect too much, and although he has incredible talents football is a team sport and he needed talent around him. The responsibility to give him that talent fell on the front office, and rather than take the blame they passed it on to him. Regardless it wasn't enough and the coach and general manager were both fired upon the season's end.
The 49ers' Betrayal
2005 brought a new coach to the 49ers, Mike Nolan. Hope was high that he would surround Rattay with competent players and allow him to again reach his potential. Unfortunately Nolan, a usually reasonable man, made one of the biggest mistakes of his life. He believed the irrational lies of the previous regime and accepted that Rattay was part of the problem rather than part of the solution and elected to use the first overall pick on quarterback Alex Smith.
Rattay, though, was down but not out. Despite the odds stacked against him he played hard and retained his starting job, beating out Smith in training camp. But it was not to be. Nolan's stubborn adherence to his prior poor decision led him to look for any chance to sabotage Rattay. And he sadly got that chance when Rattay was injured. Smith stepped in and embarrassed himself, unable to live up to the lofty bar set earlier in the year by Rattay, who had defied all odds by leading his team to a win over the St. Louis Rams in Week 1.
Rather than admit his mistake and let Rattay start, or leave Rattay on the roster, Nolan elected to shield the end result of his misjudgement and banish Rattay to Tampa in one of the most ill-advised trades in NFL history. The city of San Francisco and 49ers fans worldwide fell into a period of deep mourning.
Unfortunately, as seems to be the trend in Rattay's career, he found himself surrounded by doubters. The coaching staff in Tampa, faced with lingering injuries to pretty-boy Chris Simms, was hesitant to trust Rattay with the backup spot. In fact they signed vastly inferior quarterback Jay Fiedler to compete with Rattay in camp.
Present and Future
After stints with the Titans and Cardinals, Tim Rattay found himself in the upstart United Football League where he was signed by the Las Vegas Locomotives. Although he backed up JP Losman for the entire season, his patience was rewarded with a UFL Championship. Now that JP has fucked off to Seattle, Tim Rattay will assume starting duties for the Locos.
No matter the challenge, Rattay always faces them head on and always wins when given a fair shot. There is no doubt in the hearts and minds of his leigons of fans that Rattay will triumph as new starter for the Locos. No obstacle, be it ignorant coaches or a complete lack of talent, will prevent Rattay from reaching his eventual destiny, to be a Super Bowl two time UFL Champion and member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
