Texas Longhorns

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The University of Texas at Austin is home to the Longhorns, the second most successful athletics program in the nation behind Liberty University's world-class debate team. The university itself sits on a reasonably attractive campus filled with more-than-reasonably attractive young women. The football, baseball, and basketball teams are all of national prominence and their arrest records are nothing to look down on. Watch out Criminoles, we gangsta!

Hook 'Em Horns!

On the flipside, they have to be in the state of Texas and their mascot is a cow. The only good food to be had is either BBQ or Mexican. Sure, it's the best city in Texas but that's like picking the hottest woman in the latest Playboy magazine. Also, the fans are ill-informed, bandwagon clowns. But at least they aren't Aggies.


Castrated and tranquilized.
Bevo is the mascot. Look at Bevo and guess where the "Longhorns" nickname came from, genius.

Urban legend insists that Bevo is either chemically castrated or tranquilized during games (or both!). The same might also be true for the Hollister-wearing crowd of males in the stands who make less noise than a calm Bingo night crowd in Florida.


The baseball and swim team wins these things on a regular basis. The football team doesn't win very many, especially considering the tremendous budget at Mack Brown's disposal and the luxury of talent available in the region. But if you mention that Longhorn fans will cry and quote the time followed by "and OU still sucks", which is extremely clever.


Texas take pride in the many rivalries they imagine having, when in reality there are only two, neither of which are anything to be proud of. They claim Rice as a rival so they can play them every year for a guaranteed win.

  • Rival #1 is the Oklahoma Sooners. Not only is Oklahoma a pathetic backwater joke of a state, but her toothless inhabitants are among the worst people in the world. And just to add insult to injury, the Sooners always fucking win. Recent victories have fixed the gravitational orbit, invented kittens, and cured Bell's Palsy.
  • Rival #2 is the Texas A&M Aggies. Marginally better than Sooners hygiene-wise, but far weirder. Texas wins this one all the time, but beating up weird cult members won't win you any BCS points. Losing to A&M tends to cause things like a mass exodus of bandwagon fans and plummeting from national relevance. This is also known as the rivalry UT doesn't particularly care about anywhere near as much as Oklahoma. Inform your local aggie.
  • Other "rivalries" (ranked according to legitimacy): Arkansas Razorbacks, Stanford Indians, Alaska, Rice Owls, Mexican immigrants


The basketball team has recently fallen ill to the disease that is recruiting too well. While major basketball programs smartly target players that are good but not great in an effort to keep them in school for three or four years, Rick Barnes literally shoots for the stars. Thus, the Longhorns have zero team chemistry because their starters are gone to the NBA the next year.

Fan base



Mack Brown - NCAA Football - El Penis - Vince Young - Ricky Williams - Jordan Shipley - Chris Simms - Ramonce Taylor - Godzillatron - Darrell K. Royal - Colt McCoy - Cedric Benson - Henry Melton - Brad Buckman - Greg Davis - Rick Barnes - Major Applewhite


BIG TWELVE, aka Bevo and the Nine Steers

Baylor Bears
Iowa State Cyclones
Kansas Jayhawks
Kansas State Wildcats
Oklahoma Sooners

Oklahoma State Cowboys
TCU Horned Frogs
Texas Longhorns
Texas Tech Red Raiders
West Virginia Mountaineers


Atlantic Coast
Big 12 10
Big East
Big Ten Twelve
Pac 12 10

Western Athletic
Mountain West
Sun Belt
Conference USA