Texas A&M Aggies

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Hello Aggie fans!

That is the coach and those are actual players, seriously, hand-to-God.

Texas A&M is a shining beacon of football mediocrity right in the middle of college football's equivalent of the fertile crescent of the Tigris and Euphrates. Few programs in the history of college football have done less with more than the Texas A&M Fightin' Farmers..errr..Aggies! WHOOP! (That's the weird, high-pitched shouting sound they make all the time.) Also, Poppy Bush seems to like them (Dubya prefers the Longhorns).


Contents

The Future of Texas A&M

  • JAY ZERO SUM GAME posted:

Your only relevance was your rivalry with Texas, and that's gone now. You're going to endure a lifetime of beatdowns as Ole Miss 2.0, cycling through coaches and getting excited over 8 win seasons. A&M will never hire a decent coach, and your illusions of the "glory days" are of an exception to your lot in life: floundering in mediocrity, surrounded by bizarre traditions giving yourselves an inflated sense of importance while everyone around you is befuddled and only tolerant of your behavior out of pity.


Traditions

"Bah gawd pour that there water on mah nuts fer the CORPS!"
Texas A&M is defined mainly by its traditions; whether it is the insane corps of cadets chasing down SMU cheerleaders with swords or the scoreboard for the dead mascots to look at, the Aggie is content with constant defeat so long as the moral victory of their cultural superiority is assured.
;-*

At some point Bear Bryant was the coach and ESPN made some movie about it, but Alabama fans deny that ever happened.

Also, the engineering department built bonfires that fell, and crushed students, leaving their precious Ford F-150's forever forlorn to beer runs. To make up for the loss of the beloved "Bonfire", students have organized off-campus bonfires.

A common hazing procedure for inductees into the corps of cadets is to hold them down spread eagle while a senior corps member pours a bucket of water onto their nutsack from a few stories up.

They also have an obsession with having too many men on the field.

Ring Corner

Q: How many stars are there on the Aggie Ring?
A: 31, if you count the person wearing it.

Local Culture

Whorish "Christian" blonde?

If you drive anything that could be equipped with mudflaps, the whorish "Christian" blondes will flow to you like a fine wine. College Station does have Freeb!rds World Burrito, and is the only reason the town has not perished from the earth.

The Dixie Chicken is an Aggieland mecca and talking bad about it will get you run out of town. People will tell you mountains of stories about being in there, but nobody has actually stepped inside it.

Screaming racial epithets at black people at the Whataburger drive-thru is an acceptable time killer when driving around town, drunk, late at night. (See: Geoff Hangartner & Cole Smith)

If Tate Pittman asks you to give him a "hand" with something and you can't see what he's doing to his crotch, run.

Diversity

A&M, being a conservative school and one steeped in its tradition of being an all-male military academy, has trouble maintaining a diverse environment. To battle this, the atheletic department is doing its part to bring minorities to the forefront of its football team.

To improve diversity further, A&M hired Billy Gillispie from UTEP and now they have a basketball team to go with the football team! Billy then left once he realized he was a good enough coach to go somewhere else. Kentucky fans report that he simply walked out of his office at A&M and ascended directly into heaven.

To improve diversity even further, A&M hired a female Hispanic school president. A few short months later, she was run out of office by the white male regents. An old white guy was hired in her stead.

Minority players on the roster

Stephen McGee

Jordan Peterson

  • Best cover corner on the roster. WHITE. Future Caste Football superhero.

How many Aggies does it take to lose to Oklahoma?

77

How many Aggies does it take to beat Texas?

Only 11, it seems.

Related

funny pichers

NCAA DIVISION I

BIG TWELVE, aka Bevo and the Nine Steers

Baylor Bears
Iowa State Cyclones
Kansas Jayhawks
Kansas State Wildcats
Missouri Tigers


Oklahoma Sooners
Oklahoma State Cowboys
Texas A&M Aggies
Texas Longhorns
Texas Tech Red Raiders


BCS CONFERENCES
NON-BCS CONFERENCES

Atlantic Coast
Big 12 10
Big East
Big Ten Twelve
Pac 12 10
Southeastern

Mid-American
Western Athletic
Mountain West
Sun Belt
Conference USA