Rex Grossman
From SAS Wiki
Rex Grossman is, according to some, the finest NFL quarterback to never have played a full season. In fact, he's only played eight games in three seasons as a Chicago Bear. However, due to the Bears' lack of competent quarterbacks since the Sid Luckman era, he is regarded by many Bear fans as the reincarnations of Jesus, Allah, Buddha, and Bert Convy all wrapped up in one package.
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History
Drafted out of Florida in 2003 by the Chicago Bears (first round, 22nd pick) he quickly became a fan favorite, even before taking his first snap. This is likely due to the fact that his contemporaries at the position were Jim Miller, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris, and Kordell Stewart. Stewart's miserable performance in the 2003 season intensified calls to then-head coach Dick Jauron to replace him with the untested Grossman. Grossman started the last three games of the season, winning the first two, but leaving the final game against Kansas City due to a finger injury.
Injuries
While Grossman's finger injury was relatively minor, allowing him to start the next season, things would only get worse for the man they used to call "Sexy Rexy."
During the 2003-2004 offseason, he was hit by falling chunks of space debris left by the old Russian Mir space station, burning over ninety percent of his body. Doctors, however, were able to heal him almost completely, using the world's first full-body skin graft. The donor was Ryan Leaf.
Grossman returned to play the first three games of the 2004 season, but suffered a season-ending injury in week three when he tore his ACL on a run to the end zone. Further tragedy struck months later when, inexplicably, he was attacked by a pack of rabid wolves while shopping in Chicago's popular Michigan Avenue retail district. During this attack, he lost three fingers and an eye. Again, while this kept him sidelined for the rest of the season, doctors were able to return him to almost 100% health. Chicago police still are unsure about both the current whereabouts of the wolves, or why they were even there in the first place. At the time of the attack, Chicago Police Supt. Phil Cline remarked, "as far as I know, wolves aren't even native to Chicago."
Rex returned in 2005 for the final two regular season games and the divisional playoff game against the Carolina Panthers. His triumphant return came at halftime of the Atlanta-Chicago game, causing the crowd to go into a frenzy as a dejected and drunk Kyle Orton walked to the bench while Rex limped back onto the field after almost two full seasons of inactivity. It is rumored that Jesus also appeared over Soldier Field as Rex took the first snap. "That's why we didn't want a dome, you know, in case that happened. I mean, Jesus shows up, and you can't see him because of a roof, that's not good, you know?" said Chicago Mayor Richard Daley at his news conference the following Monday.
Unfortunately, soon after the playoff loss to Carolina, tragedy struck again, as he was accidentally decapitated by a passing train on the Blue Line subway after leaning over the tracks, reportedly to see "if the goddamn train was here yet." Doctors at Northwestern Memorial Hospital performed a successful cranial reattachment, and expect that he will regain sight later this fall, although he has probably lost his ability to smell for good.
Nicknames
- The Dragon
- Sexy Rexy
- Rexstacy
- The Sex Cannon
Quotent Quotables
"We have a game Sunday? Fuck, I didn't even know. They don't tell me when the games are played. I just run out onto the field and start aiming lasers for fucking Saturn, you know what I mean? If there's a defense there, whatever. Sexy Rexy is more than happy to spray hot passes all over the defense's chest. Who are we playing? The Lions? Pfft. Those guys aren't sexy. You telling me Jon Kitna is sexy? I've seen white supremacists in prison who are sexier than that do-gooder. No wonder he's a devout Christian. What kind of pussy would he pull on the open market? Dumpster pussy, that's what.
What's that color the Lions wear? Honolulu Blue? Yeah, well I nailed six Hawaiian Tropic girls last week. So while those assholes are busy wearing Honolulu, I'm busy fucking it. Wore my mesh practice top the whole time, too. And in front of a mirror. Ever stick your finger up your own ass? God, it just felt so right.
Jesus, now that you told me I'm playing Detroit, I'm all fucking hot. God dammit. I gotta go throw something. Now. I just... I just can't take the anticipation. It's driving me buck wild. Such a depleted secondary. So many long, long throws. You know I accidentally fucked Olin Kreuntz once? True story.
So, you play fantasy football? That's funny. Because I am fantasy football. Girls watch me throw and they ovulate. It's just the way I move. So poised. So strong. So fluid. They know I'm undressing the defense with my arm. Oh, Daddy says that Rex Grossman is up to no good. And you know what, honey? Your daddy is right. I am thinking nasty, nasty thoughts when I'm out there. I throw that ball sixty yards, and I just wanna ram a stick of butter up some girl's ass. I can't help it. Football and sex just go together for me. It's a natural fit, just like any girl is a natural fit on me.
Hope you win, kid. Either way, Rex is fucking that night." [1]
Quotent Quotables Part 2
"Is that Berrian? I think he's triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I'm throwing it downfield.
Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dumpoff passes are for faggots. I'm fucking Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can't, I bet I'll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard.
What's that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That's gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can't just expect wins to come to you. You can't massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You're a pussy. This ain't John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy's got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.
Okay, I'm throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious.
Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn't one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I'm gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I'm gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can.
This is Rex Grossman we're talking about here. We're talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I'm not just a gunslinger. I'm a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I'll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I'm gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it's worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That's how we do things in the sexy business.
Tell me you're not turned on right now. I am." [2]
The Dragon
- Status: Working his way through Houston, one sexbomb at a time.
Rextasy's List of Actually Important Things
- Fucking this bitch
- Fucking that bitch
- Fucking anything that moves
Super Bowl XLI
The Future
Rex Grossman will either be resigned for 2008 by the Bears, where he will be murdered in the second game of the season when he is sacked for the 12th time that season, or he will go to another team, where, if given a "receiver" and an "offensive line", he may become a poor man's Tony Romo, but with fewer unexplainable throwaways.
- Fun Fact: Before the 2008 season a Bears fan almost took a swing at me when I laughed at him because he told me he was looking forward to a good season from Rex Grossman. --Nmfree 19:49, 9 February 2009 (PST)
