Pat Quinn

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Pat Quinn's head is so massive it generates a gravity field capable of attracting chairs and pucks from 200' away. It also has its own weather system.

Career Statistics (player)

  • 606 Games played
  • 18 goals
  • 113 assists
  • Played defense with hockey's most storied defensive team, the Vancouver Canucks

Number of Stanley Cups won (player)

  • 0

Coaching Record (regular season)

Simulation of the flow of Bryan McCabe's irresistible pheromones into Pat Quinn's brain.
  • 553 wins
  • 424 losses
  • 144 ties
  • 15 OTL

Number of Stanley Cups won (coaching)

  • 0

Coaching Style

Pat coaches a breakout from the defensive zone during the 2001-2002 season

Yelling or chewing gum. Can only perform one of these activities at any given time.

Pat Quinn's teams exhibit several unique characteristics to set them apart from teams coached by inferior hockey minds. The primary attribute of a Pat Quinn-coached team is the stringent sense of discipline instilled throughout the ranks, from the star player all the way to the talentless hack 3rd-pairing defenseman who is actually a converted goon. This discipline can be attributed to the emphasis Pat places on staying out of the penalty box and taking responsibility for one's own actions. Rather than yelling at the damn refs so vigorously that his chewing gum exits his mouth in a parabolic trajectory, Pat generally delivers a stern lecture to any player on his team taking an unnecessary penalty, causing them to sheepishly rethink their actions and stop fucking taking hooking penalties on powerplays.

Pat Quinn sends Jason Allison out to take a penalty shot against the Ottawa Senators

Pat loves to coach an offensive style of hockey, in the sense that it is offensive how he's been coaching in the NHL for like 25 fucking years and his teams still suck shit defensively. In reality, Pat is probably too wasted while standing on the bench to even notice if you're leaving two forwards unmarked in front of the net during the last 5 minutes of a 2-2 tie in an elimination playoff game. However, recently Pat has taken it upon himself to add several new food groups to his previous diet of whiskey and cigars, so it is speculated that he may actually be lucid while vacantly staring and chewing gum while watching his team give up a 3-0 lead within the span of 5 minutes.

A typical Pat Quinn-type NHL player will exhibit several traits and possess numerous intangibles. These include heart, grit, a birthdate in the 1960s, a map of the defensive zone in case they get lost and forget where it is, and a huge, booming shot to blast Mats Sundin's silky-smooth passes 20 feet wide of the goal.

Quinn-coached teams are widely recognized for their clutch ability in New NHL situations such as the shootout.

Must be

  • The gum.

The "Pat Quinn Player"

  • Over the hill
  • Slow
  • Enrages fans every time he's on the ice
  • Sits on his ass in practice
  • Born before the moon landing
  • Old
  • A hardened veteran

Did You Know?

During the Toronto Maple Leafs' 2006-07 regular season, Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment will be donating one dollar for every ridiculously overpriced beer sold at the Air Canada Centre. Proceeds will go towards the remaining million or so dollars the Maple Leafs are paying Pat to not coach their team.

On a recent episode of Off the Record with Michael Landsberg, Pat was given a number of tough questions and responded with mixed results. When asked which of Bryan McCabe and Tomas Kaberle he would rather have, he correctly chose Kaberle. When asked of his favourite gum, he responded with Wrigley's Spearmint, an acceptable decision. However, when queried as to his preference of penalty shot taker - Robert Reichel or Jason Allison - he chose Robert Reichel. While not as incorrect as choosing Allison, the preferred answer would have been neither.

Finally, when asked when the Maple Leafs would retire Aki Berg's number, Pat Quinn incorrectly stated that Aki Berg elevated his play during the playoffs (from the level of an eye-scorching travesty to a complete disaster). The answer we were looking for is that the Leafs do not retire jerseys of overpaid and underperforming 6th defencemen, they honour them and allow future players to wear the number.