Nebraska Cornhuskers
From SAS Wiki
The Nebraska Cornhuskers began playing football in 1890 when nearby cows and other barnyard stock evolved into human-like form and were rounded up for athletic competition. Much like their ancestors, Nebraskans trudge faithfully through tornadoes and brushfires to attend every single home game and have since the Big Bang. Nebraska fans can be found all over the world including in Antarctica where Billy "Puckchuk" Jones has set up a small shack with a frozen red flag outside.
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The Cornhuskers
Nebraska didn't always have its now well-mocked nickname, however. The Cornhuskers were formerly known as, "The Bugeaters", "The Old Golden Knights", "Ma Kettle's Pun'kin Bunch" and the "Shopkeep Hasslers". Eventually, Charles "Cy" Sherman of the Nebraska State Journal went down to the Nebraska Athletic Department and began kicking people in the testicles and slitting throats until they picked a god damn name.
Bob Devaney
Since nobody will actually acknowledge much before the arrival of Bob Devaney, all Nebraska football fans who were alive between 1890 and 1961 were lined up and shot outside what would later become a Phillips 66. Devaney ushered in a new wave of prosperity as his drunken slurs were heard 'round many a bar and strip joint. He would go on to win the 1970 and 1971 national titles after smashing beer bottles over various head officials until they just gave him the damn trophy so phone calls would stop being made to housewives all over the country.
Tom Osborne
Tom Osborne, or Doc Oz as he is known in North Omaha, continued the era of success that his mentor, Devaney, had introduced. Osborne would utilize the County Scholarship Program to introduce nearly 1,000 football players onto the Cornhuskers' sidelines every Saturday at Memorial Stadium. He would then recruit 25-30 players from California, Florida, Texas and various other centers of football talent which would eventually cause people to think he could take Jimmy from Cherry County and turn him into an NFL Hall-of-famer after playing six-man football out in the sticks.
Osborne is perhaps most famous for the infamous Lawrence Phillips scandal. Phillips, who is nuttier than a shithouse rat, broke into eventual Nebraska quarterback Scott Frost's apartment where he apprehended his girlfriend by the hair and proceeded to reinact his favorite scene from The Flintstones. Frost was found huddled in the fetal position screaming out for his grandmother later on. Osborne suspended Phillips for a short time before allowing the troubled athlete to play. Osborne then broke into Scott Frost's apartment and kicked him down the complex's stairs for good measure.
Under 25 years of coaching, Osborne would win two national titles in 1994 and 1995, and was given half of the 1997 Championship as a retirement gift.
Frank Solich
Convinced that the whole "legend-to-hand-picked-successor" thing was a good idea, Osborne selected former 165-pound fullback Frank Solich to take over the reigns of his fine program. Much like during his current tenure at Ohio University, Solich drove the Big Red Machine the wrong way down a sidestreet and wound up in a ditch. Using McNeese State to save what would then become the longest non-losing record streak in America at the time, Solich pulled an Enron and had a slight rebound to a 9-3 season. Current Athletic Director Steve Pederson then walked into the locker room following a hard-fought game versus Colorado, kicked Solich in the back of the knee, shit in his mouth and fired him. Pederson then went on to rape several kittens and eat infants, or perhaps the other way around. Bo Pelini took over the reigns for the 2003 bowl game and then was shit-canned along with much of the staff.
Bill Callahan
Former Oakland Raider head coach Bill Callahan was hired to replace Solich and his patented "Option-left-Option-right-Iso-Punt" offense with a fancy new West Coast Offense. Many Nebraska fans revolted against the idea of actually passing the football and using the wide receiver as something other than a blocking dummy. Nebraska finished with an 8-4 record in 2005 which was concluded with a 32-28 ESPN "Jesus Christ, What in God's Name" Classic.
In 2006, Nebraska introduced a new Godzilla adversary known as the Quadraback which featured current Green Bay Packer Brandon Jackson, Cody Glenn, Marlon Lucky and Kenny Wilson who would later have a severe allergic reaction to an LCD flat screen. After climbing to the peak of Memorial Stadium and screaming from the rooftops that he actually had an offensive line and to please stop putting keys in his tailpipe and leaving potato scuffs on his car, Callahan reintroduced a running attack so brutal rumor has it that it's being patented for Guantanamo Bay.
Nebraska had the unenviable duty of playing The Booty of Christ (not to be confused with the Body of Christ. See: Jimmy Clausen) and the USC Trojans not to mention Texas, Oklahoma in the Big XII Championship and Auburn in the Cotton Bowl. The Cornhuskers continue to show steady improvement as each dusty reminder of what Nebraska football used to be is chiseled away, every last tradition smashed to pieces at the hands of Callahan. On the plus side though, Oklahoma got to play in that kick ass Fiesta Bowl, so that was cool. Oh and the Cornhuskers made it through the Big XII North and to the title game not to mention a New Year's Day bowl for the first time since Tom Osborne's recruits left.
2007 is a large X-Factor for Nebraska as they appear to be led by neer-do-well Sam "I Never Saw a Dixie Cup I Didn't Like" Keller, a transfer from Arizona State who got the hell out of Dodge...well, Tempe, which is a lot like what I would imagine Dodge to be like, but that's not the point. What lies ahead for the Cornhuskers? Will 2007 be the year in which "Order" is "indeed" "restored" or will it be another case of collegiate football blue balls? TUNE IN THIS FALL TO FIND OUT!
FIRED, NOV. 24, 2007
"I have no regrets." -Bill Callahan, regarding his time at Nebraska (probably except for the whole "sucking" thing).
Basketball
Nebraska finally shook off the dust of Barry Collier and his "Fly Fornication Offense" to bring in Doc Sadler from UTEP. Doc brought an attitude that implied he gave a shit, so Nebraska fans flocked to see just what the hell was going on at the Devaney Center. Plus there was the chance of ripping off a piece of Bob Huggins' sweater, so you do the math. While Nebraska looked good coming out of the gate, their season slowly unraveled and eventually sputtered out much like a Ron Prince recruiting pitch. Still, Doc is sticking around for year two and hey, that's got to mean something, right? RIGHT?!
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