NASCAR

From SAS Wiki

Hicks in cars going in ~~circles~~ ovals.

List of hicks who give a shit about NASCAR:

In every forum but SAS (and sometimes AI), their fans are persecuted like Jews in Nazi Germany. SAS is their Israel, but you'd never notice since they fill up two threads over the course of a season. Leica actually used to be a photographer on the NASCAR circuit, and is good for several stories a year on which drivers are really gigantic lisping penis-heads hiding behind good PR, who happen to have a hot wife with a big rack.

Things that do not exist in NASCAR

"Memories of Dad"

Right turns. The last attempt at a right turn in NASCAR was made by Dale Earnhardt.
Excitement
Respectability

Things that do exist in NASCAR

The ability to pass
Predictability
People that give a crap

The Passion of the Earnhardt

Ironically, people whose own sense of morality is somewhere on the level between insects and reptiles are attracted to NASCAR for the black and white morality it offers. Some people are genuine Goddamn American Heroes, and represent Mom, apple pie and fucking awesome flyovers by a flight of F-22s. Other, homosexual (and possibly foreign, but I repeat myself) people are inexplicably let on the track every damn week, and are the Lily-livered Chickenshit Villains and should be mocked and showered with beer.

Goddamn American Heroes Involved in NASCAR

GAH Status Pending

Dodge
Juan Pablo Montoya (awaiting repeal of 12th Amendment)
Kyle Petty

GAH Status in Dispute

Carl Edwards
Matt Kenseth (GAH by-laws forbid membership until child support is paid up. plus he wouldn't sign that dudes hat at the glenn.)

Lily-Livered Chickenshit Villains Involved in NASCAR

Notice how there's ten times as many villains as heroes? You think maybe NASCAR fans have a persecution complex?

I think you might be lost, son

The dumpster's out back. Where's your truck?

Manufacturer's Championship

Unlike Formula One, which uses boring European math to determine which make (hint-Ferrari) has had the most successful year, NASCAR uses a much easier formula, and one which has more of an impact on the fanbase- How many flames can you fit on your caps? You see, it's very tricky- a non-flaming hat is obviously something your cheap ass got at the gas station for six bucks. But a genuine flaming hat that says "Dodge Racing"? Buddy, it's obvious you know where to drop your 25 dollars!

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