Minnesota Golden Gophers

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Minnesota Golden Gophers are the college sports team for the University of Minnesota.


Good Times

Back when things were in black and white and there were seven NCAA colleges the Minnesota Gophers actually won games. The Gophers were National Champions in 1934, 1935, 1936, 1940, 1941, and 1960! They even had a Heisman Trophy winner in 1941 named Bruce Smith (not the black one).

Modern Era

There is simply no way to sum up the hilarious level of failure that has occurred in recent years. How does losing a game to the Wisconsin Badgers sound by having a punter drop the ball, fumble around for it, and then lose it in the endzone in the last minute of a game when all he had to do was kick it sound? How does losing the Insight Bowl after having a 38-7 lead in the third quarter sound? How does being really bad sound?

One time Minnesota beat #2 Penn State and PSU hasn't been ranked higher than #3 since then. This is because the taint of the loss will be passed on to their children and their children's children.

The Future


Lessons in Natural Philosophy


Jerry Kill Seizure On The Sideline Count

6 This section slated for retirement, like Kill's career.


Actually good. Both Men and Women's teams hockey has had success and not brought epic levels of shame.

OT Winner For National Championship
  • 2014-15 update-The Gophers abandoned the WCHA for Big Ten HOCKEY!!! This lead to shame and punishment. The #1 Gophers fell out of the rankings entirely. However, they rebounded and won the Big Ten, with such hockey powerhouses such as Penn State, and Michigan. Winning the Big Ten is generally considered the best thing you can do, as they have bigger schools, which means they're better than the NCHC and WCHA, right?
  • Women's team won the national title in 2012, 2013, and 2015, including the incredible 2012-2013 streak of winning 62 games straight en route to the 2012 and 2013 titles.


Glen Haskins was pretty cool. Tubby Smith came to Minnesota in shame after leaving the Kentucky Wildcats. His failure in Kentucky of one National Championship in 1998, a perfect 16-0 regular season conference record in 2003, five SEC regular season championships (1998, 1999, 2001, 2003, 2005) and five SEC Tournament titles (1998, 1999, 2001, 2003, 2004), with six Sweet Sixteen finishes and four Elite Eight finishes (1998, 1999, 2003, 2005) in his nine seasons. He totaled 100 wins quicker than any other Wildcat coach except Hall of Famer Adolph Rupp, reaching the plateau in 130 games. PATHETIC. He left in shame after being fired by the Gophers, a fate worse than death. The Gophers decided the best course of action was to bring in a coach from Florida Atlantic University, Rick Pitino's idiot son. He then proceeded to improve the program, by becoming champions of the NIT, the next year, they missed entirely, and skipped the CBI. This is considered an improvement to the level Minnesota sports can achieve, and is desired.


Not Sports Entertainment. The more gay version. No one cares about this except farmers.



It is widely regarded that Goldy is one of the best mascots of all time. Gendo made him even more widley renouned for disrespecting your made up God and stiff arming bitches (AKA peewee players)




Illinois Fighting Illini
Indiana Hoosiers
Iowa Hawkeyes
Maryland Terrapins
Michigan Wolverines
Michigan State Spartans
Minnesota Golden Gophers

Northwestern Wildcats
Ohio State Buckeyes
Penn State Nittany Lions
Purdue Boilermakers
Rutgers Scarlet Knights
Wisconsin Badgers
Nebraska Cornhuskers


Atlantic Coast
Big 12 10
Big East
Big Ten Twelve
Pac 12 10

Western Athletic
Mountain West
Sun Belt
Conference USA