Michigan Wolverines

Ironically, most Michigan fans look back on this man fondly in light of recent events

Hail To The Victors

"The University of Michigan Football team is a program started in the 1890s that competed for nearly 120 years before losing at home to a 1-AA opponent. The program is now on life support. Michigan is currently looking for a head coach. If you know of one who isn't anything like Lloyd Carr, you may apply with Athletic Director Bill Martin. Provided you can reach him. He sails a lot."

That was written over two seasons ago, when a disastrous Michigan season included an upset loss to start the season, an 8-4 record, and a win on New Year's Day in a non-BCS bowl.

Since then, things have changed considerably, most notably on what Michigan fans consider a disaster. However, Michigan is still looking for a football head coach.

• Good News, Brady Hoke has been hired to save Michigan from such things as throwing the ball and scoring points. 3 and a cloud of dust, baby!

Lately, the new push for success is practice, and a whole lot of it. They always said practice makes perfect and the more you do the better you perform? Right? Where's the BCS trophy now? Oh...

Welcome to Ann Arbor

Things you will find at Michigan include:

• Asians
• Bad Football
• At least two members of Directional Michigan University during football season
• Tim Hardaway, Jr
• An Arena Everyone Assumes Was Named After The Car
• Good Hockey
• Sold out seats, even when they play Indiana
• Or go 3-9
• A complete absence of Ohio State fans
• Really narrow streets which turn into a 5 hour traffic jam on Saturday
• Apathy and sometimes pity of noted little brother Michigan State
• Persecution Complexes, especially when other schools do way worse shit and get way less punishment

Know Your Michigan Football Fans

• Are they all wearing maize? Those are students.
  

They will show up late, and drunk. They will also have the most fun.

• Are they old, and complaining at you? Those are the Boosters.
  

They dislike standing, they love those foam seat cushions, and they hate you. Sit down. HEY. SIT DOWN. They will also jangle keys, thinking it is more intimidating than 114,000 people screaming.

• Are they sitting in the end zones? Those are normal fans.
  

Most of them didn't go to Michigan, but the world needs ditch-diggers too, you know.

• Are they wearing Scarlet? Those are Child Rapists.
  
• Are they crying about anything and everything? Those are Michigan fans.
  

This includes tradition, ex-coaches, present coaches compared to ex-coaches, tradition, General Motors, Chrysler (not Crisler), Ford, tradition, and tradition.

Past Heisman Winners

• 1997 Charles Woodson DB/WR
• 1991 Desmond Howard WR
• 1940 Tom Harmon HB

Former Presidents of the United Fuckin' States

• 1931-34 Gerald Ford

Willis Ward, 2nd Ever Black Varsity Player for Michigan, on Gerald Ford

• "It seems as though as the game got started, a fellow on the other side of the line made a remark about him loving people like me," Ward said. "And his adjectives, they were 'bleep' adjectives, so I won't use it. Whereupon Jerry and Bill (Borgmann) put a block on him that ended that fellow's participation in the game. So they came back that Monday and told me that they dedicated that block to me."

The Champions of the West

- Of Detroit, but not as far west as East Lansing. Let's stick with "The Champions of Washtenaw County".
- We did beat Sparty twice in Basketball though, so there's that.
- And we own them in hockey and pretty much everything else.
- You know what, fuck it. We're the Champions of the West again...until you hit Lake Michigan.