Mark Cuban

From SAS Wiki
Jump to: navigation, search
Mark Cuban is an insufferable prick
Mark Cuban is the owner of the Dallas Mavericks. Cuban is famous for selling broadcast.com to Yahoo! and walking away from the dot com bubble before it burst. He is also famous for being a world-class douchebag and constantly making a fool of himself. The author of this article is probably from Phoenix.

Contents

Cuban - The Early Days

Cuban was born in the rust belt shithole called Pennsylvania. He went to the University of Pittsburgh but finished at Indiana University because it was cheaper. Being a no-neck, mongoloid disco teacher only pays so much.

Cuban - The Money Days

Cuban moved to Dallas and built a computer reseller that he sold for a few million. He then started audionet.com with some business partners from school. Audionet.com (nice domain, dickhead) turned into broadcast.com, which he sold to Yahoo! for an ungodly amount of money (~$6 billion).

Cuban - Humble NBA Beginnings

Money baths and cheerleader orgies can only amuse a man for so long, so Cuban decided to take his $2 billion travelling circus to the NBA. He bought the cellar-dwelling Dallas Mavericks for a nickel and some chewed gum, determined to turn the NBA's second-biggest joke (behind the L.A. Clippers) into the best team in the NBA.

Cuban - Asshole Owner

Cuban has been fined upwards of $8 trillion for doing stupid shit like screaming at refs, players, grandmothers and puppies. He's thrown chairs at security guards, set cars on fire, bitten David Stern, and poisoned the entire Miami Heat training staff.

ICE CREAM HURR

Cuban - Cult Leader

Dallas Mavericks fans often defend Cuban with the unassailable argument, "That's how you'd act if you were a billionaire!"

Rational arguments are often made that Cuban is actually a very progressive force within a stagnant, incestuous group (NBA owners). The Dallas Mavericks are far more successful and famous than they ever have been and any Dallas Mavericks fan has ever had any right to deserve.

Future Plans

Please buy the Pittsburgh Pirates and rocket them off to safety and fortune in a magical golden money powered chariot. Help us Mark Cuban, you're our only hope.