Jason Allison
From SAS Wiki
The Legend of Allison
Jason Allison is a center who is a direct descendant of Bigfoot. He also has a magical beard that just never disappears. Rumour has it, Tie Domi snuck underneath him one day and shaved it off, only to have it pop back out immediately. Some say this is similar to the tails of Saiyans.
Notable Facts
Allison is the only player who has been known to give up a 250 foot advantage in a breakaway. When his offensive prowess is combined with the abilities of stellar linemates such as Nik Antropov and some poor half-decent rookie, and the defense of the likes of Aki Berg and Alexander Khavanov, he is unstoppable. Of course, this is provided that he is breaking away against a team of five Ilya Kovalchuks.
Physical Theories Developed Through Statistical Analysis of Jason Allison's Footspeed
In a combined effort between researchers from MIT, the University of Guelph and the University of Waterloo, a long-standing mystery of general relativity was solved during the 2005-2006 NHL season. Scientists studying his abnormally ponderous pace through the space-time continuum were able to precisely measure the warping of space-time coordinates caused by Jason's massive gravitational pull accelerating at a tiny but measurable pace. Through detailed analysis of Jason's moves, scientists have predicted that he will arrive to take his penalty shot on Dominik Hasek from the 2005 season opener between the Toronto Maple Leafs and Ottawa Senators at precisely 5:37 PM on October 27, 2013. Should this prediction prove correct, a significant impediment in the development of a unified theory of physics (encompassing both quantum mechanics and general relativity) will have been removed.
What the fuck, is he a bear?
Evident from his grizzly beard, his slow, plodding movements, and the fact that he's asleep during the winter, it is clear that Jason Allison is indeed a bear.
