Jared Allen

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Jared Allen is currently a defensive end for the Minnesota Vikings and a full time badass in every way, shape or form.

The Mullet

Picture yourself lost in a forest. You're scared, alone, and out of resources to keep yourself alive. Staying still is certain death so you wander deeper into the strange terrain holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, you'll find that running stream of water to keep you alive for another few days. As you trek aimlessly through the wilderness, the day lingers on and slowly daylight begins to fade. You realize making it through the night would be nothing more than sheer miracle and another day without water means certain death. Your mind, weary and worn, begins racing with thoughts of your family and what life will be like for them after you're gone. Who will raise the kids? Can your wife afford to keep the house alone? Who will pay for the kids college? Over and over these questions repeat in your head and although you cannot let weakness in, your mental walls have collapsed and emotion has flooded in. As you strain for every inch of terrain, you hear the distinct roar of flowing water in the near distance and realize this might be your only chance. Dehydration has kicked in as you scale the rocky facade and everything has grown hazy but as you reach the top, there it is. Salvation. A waterfall descending from the heavens delivers the miracle you prayed for and as it flows in the near distance, you know you are safe for now.

A sudden blast of light explodes in your vision and suddenly you realize, everything that just happened was not real. You were never lost, you were just dreaming. That light? It's you waking up from the hit. The woods? Nothing more than the turf you currently lay upon. The roar of the waterfall? The crowd cheering. The waterfall? That's just Jared Allen's mullet flowing down from his helmet and the only reason you're seeing it now is because he is triumphantly walking away from your once lifeless body.

According to Allen and a team of MIT researchers, the mullet is not simply a haircut, but a lifestyle. The hairstyle, a throwback to when men were men, carries certain duties that one must adhere to in order to carry on the legacy of dudes who rocked the style in the 1980s not because it simply looked cool, but because it was totally badass. Basic tenets of the Mullet Lifestyle include:

  • If asked, one must accept extra mayonnaise.
  • If the easy way is to walk around something, you must walk through it.
  • One must not shave their legs.
  • If capable, chest hair must be grown to maximum length (unless shaved into a heart).

Although many believed the hairstyle to be a joke, they quickly learned the opposite as Allen blew by their offensive linemen and bodyslammed quarterbacks because hey, that's just what badasses do.

Quarterbacking?

The Long Throw.gifTHE LONG THROW!!!

The Target Challende.gifTARGET CHALLENGE!!!

Jared Allen QB.gifACCURACY!!!

The Day the Mullet Died

On May 25th, 2010 — a day which will live in infamy — Jared Allen's mullet was suddenly and deliberately cut by his fiancee in preparation for a wedding.

The lifestyle Allen once proclaimed to follow was thrown into chaos and questions such as "Will he still accept extra mayonnaise if offered it?" were thrown around as many searched for a semblance of sanity. Little is known as to whether it will return and during the offseason, TFF regulars vilified Allen's wife including adding her into the TFF Douchebag of the Year 2009-2010 tournament where she was handily defeated in the first round.