How the hell else are we gonna keep track of all the criminals we cheer for?
The Fulmer Cup, named after Tennessee Volunteers head coach and his school of well-behaved student-athletes, is an invention of EDSBS.
This page only tracks points officially given out by EDSBS. For a rough list of cases currently unscored, for our own reference mostly, please visit the Fulmer Cup Processing Station.
2013 Scoreboard March 14th
Also check out the all-time scoreboard, the 2006 scoreboard, the 2007 scoreboard, the 2008 Scoreboard, the 2009 Scoreboard, the 2010 Scoreboard, the 2011 Scoreboard, or 2012 Scoreboard
- *- Individual Offenses, Thus in running for ETJ3 Award
The player in question MUST BE ON ROSTER at the time of arrest. No Ex-Players!
- Murder: 10 points. We don't want to start quantifying evil, but if you violate society's original taboo, then you should get more than two points more than the guy getting a DUI. Thus the figure of ten points is decided on because ten sounds like a lot, and because if we are accused of trivializing murder we can point to it and go "hey, that's a big number, and seriously we didn't joke about it." As always, this is null and void if this involves the murder of a clown.
- Cannibalism: Also 10 points. You say, "Oh, when will you use THAT?" This is what people who have no idea how the universe works, since it is just looking for a reason to put a college football cannibalism scandal into this website's life. (Dibs on Wisconsin being the first. Sausage tells no tales, and you really don't want to know how this particular sausage is made.)
- Sex Crimes: 5 points. This is a new category to cover anything in the category, since the last thing we want to do is attempt to quantify the horrendous category of Sex Crimes. Five points and done. Still downgraded to one if either participant is wearing a clown mask?
- Bestiality: 4 points. No, having sex with a rival's ladies does not count as a sex crime either, you clever person. Including the EDSBS Official GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD: the arrest of Oregon State player Ben Siegert for stealing a sheep used in a study on homosexuality in sheep.
- Grand Larceny: 4 points. We use this as a catchall for players being involved in crime so outrageous and well-planned it can only be described as 'nefarious,' 'professional,' or 'legislation.' Applies to large drug rings, chop shop operations, and the Haitian human trafficking ring that's been run out of the Miami locker room since '93. (We kid! They didn't get that thing humming 'til '95 at the earliest.)
- Hitting Girls: 3 points.
- Car theft/Assault/Driving through houses drunk/Drug possession of the Tyrone Biggums variety: 3 points. "Drug possession" never sounds all that bad until you add in 'crack cocaine,' which is society's signifier that your life has gone from that of high functioning simian in a complex society to that of a rat with electrodes in your brain's pleasure centers hitting a pedal in a glass box in a lab. Weed? Par for the course, especially if you're NFL-bound. Crack? Break out the Sports Century 'Weepy Sonata' music, because the story of your descent from boundless potential has just begun, and they haven't even begun to show the grainy shots of 130-lb you huddled in a shelter on Skid Row.
- Fightin' in 'da Club/Weed Possession/Standard DUI: 2 points. Any scenario involving group fighting of a thugged-out, 'we run this place' variety, and marijuana possession of the nickel bag level. Possession of 100 pounds of marijuana is a totally different thing, and takes you right back up to the 4 point 'nefarious' level.
- Drankin'/Suspended License/Assorted petty misdemeanors: 1 point. Covers basic citations and stupid things cops like to cite drunk people for doing.
Bonus points are awarded at the whim of EDSBS or 1 bonus point for more than three arrests.
The Ellis T Jones III rule states that no team can win the Fulmer Cup based solely on the performance of one player. If the top scoring team does not have more than one player arrested, the Fulmer Cup is awarded to the next top scoring team.
This award goes to the individual who contributes the most points to his team during the season, OR has the most incredible incident that resulted in Fulmer Cup points. Named after Ellis T. Jones III, the greatest collegiate criminal ever.
Ellis T. Jones III Award Winners:
- 2011: Marshall's Troy Evans with 16 points for a robbery spree.
- 2010: FSU's Nigel Carr with 13 points for breaking into cars.
- 2009: USF's Trent Pupello with 17 points for a pistol whipping spree.
- 2008: Alabama's Jimmy John with 20 points for selling cocaine.
- 2007: Ronnie M. Wilson of Florida, for firing off a semi-automatic rifle during a road rage incident.
- 2006: Ellis T. Jones himself, for 13 felony counts stemming from using Craigslist to meet robbery targets.
Past Fulmer Cup Champions