Chicago Bears

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The Chicago Bears, after trying for the last five years to see if they could win games using 8 players while on offense, and 14 on defense, have resorted to playing normal football, and are really good at it. In fact, you could say that they're so good, you could "crown their ass."

Bears History

The Bears were actually a marauding force across the Midwest centuries before they were a football team. Legend has it that in 1780, quickly after he arrived on the shores of Lake Michigan, Jean Baptiste Point du Sable (a Haitian man known as the "Father of Chicago") was brutally murdered in his sleep by Red Grange. Grange was later exonerated of this crime, as his defense attorney pointed out that he was only trying to save millions of future Chicago sports fans from disappointment.

Unfortunately, Grange's murder proved fruitless as thousands flocked to the marshy onion patch off Lake Michigan to find fame and fortune in the town that would soon be incorporated as Chicago.

Almost one hundred years later, a mysterious man wearing orange and blue once again tried to save the residents of this stalwart city from themselves. In October of 1871 most of the city burned in one of the biggest disasters of the 19th century. However, much like before, the siren song of the City of Big Shoulders called again, and residents rebuilt it: bigger, better, and more fireproof. Clyde "Bulldog" Turner was executed publicly by hanging in what would later be called Daley Plaza for his arson attempt.

As the turn of the century came, Chicago was on top as one of America's premier cities. The Columbian Exposition had just ended, and the city looked towards a century of progress. A part of this progress was the growth of the new sport of "foot-ball," which had started as a nancy-boy game on the East Coast between the effete, effeminate, manicured boys of Harvard and Yale but had spread across the country, in the process becoming a bloodthirsty and sometimes fatal sport. It was clear that there was money to be made in football, but who would rule this new field?

A man from Decatur, Illinois, a downstate backwater hellhole, had an idea.

In a ritual sacrifice, he killed three goats, a sheep, and the local apothecary in a remote cornfield. In return, the dark God Baal offered him the services of the Be'earn, the orange-and-blue-clad custodians of the apocalypse who were responsible for the atrocities in Chicago. George S. Halas accepted, and these demons from the underground called themselves the Decatur Staleys, after Halas's employer.

A year later, there were problems. As demons with good taste, they preferred the local Chicago delicacies, such as Italian Beef, and were unhappy with the corn dogs and fried steaks available in Decatur. They forced Halas to relocate to Chicago. As part of the deal, he also renamed the team, Anglicizing "Be'earn" to "Bears," the name the team holds to this day.

The renamed Bears did well, winning a number of championships. However, around World War II Halas accidentally knocked over an ancient Aztec statue while visiting the Art Institute of Chicago. By knocking over this statue, he angered the ancient god of quiche and California Rolls, McCoyolxauhqui. McCoyolxauhqui then sent down his only son, Michael McCaskey.

He waited in the background to take control of the deadly Be'earn, but his influence was enough to silence them. They only won one championship (1963) and were relegated to has-beens in the NFL. However, they had one more shot left in them.

They came out as terrible, terrible monsters in 1985, winning the NFC and the Super Bowl by enormous margins while the Son of the Dark God McCaskey could only sit on the sidelines in his Sacred Blazer and watch. But, soon, the dark god prevailed, and the fearsome team of 1985 and their coach were disbanded.

It is said today that the influence of the Dark God has waned, and the fearsome Bears are once again on the prowl. But some still see his hand in their loss to the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLI.

Bears Legends

List of Bears starting quarterbacks since 1995

List of Bears playoff wins since 1995

  • 1/14/07 vs. Seahawks, 27-24 (OT)
  • 1/21/07 vs. Saints, 39-14

Fuck yeah.

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