Bob Gainey
From SAS Wiki
Playing Career
Bob Gainey is a former player for the Montreal Canadiens who used to be good back in the Pleistocene Era or something. I believe he may have won the Stanley Cup back when it was still carved from the skull of a sabretooth tiger but since this was before the invention of written language we have only vague scrawlings on the wall of Schwartz's Deli to speculate upon. Anyway, whatever, all that is irrelevant given his future crimes against Habbadonia.
Cruel Deception and Teasing of Habs Fans
After retiring Gainey coached the Minnesota North Stars, and recent evidence suggests he was instrumental in the conspiracy to move the team to Dallas, on account of Bob wanted to be a cowboy or something. As we shall see he is also obsessed with horses. Anyway in Dallas Gainey commenced his plan to break the spirits of Canadiens fans by building the Stars into a contender, and winning the Stanley Cup (now made out of metal for the first time) in 1999.
He also found time to draft his son Steve. Crazy nepotist.
It is amazing to think about the amount of work he put into this early stage of the plan that was about to unfold.
All Hail Mad King Bob
The important shit began in 2003 when Gainey became general manager of the Canadiens, having created the impression that he knew how to build a winner. In fact he did, but had no intention of doing so in Montreal; instead he would build a monument to his own madness and destroy the spirits of a proud francophone community by plunging their team into an inescapable abyss. Picture an evil laugh here.
Gainey was responsible for drafting key components to future success (note to readers: this is a bit sarcastic) such as the developmentally-handicapped Andrei Kostitsyn and his epileptic fits, the evil younger Kostitsyn Sergei, Kyle Chipchura, who had never even played hockey before, and David Fischer (who? Exactly!). His most famous draft pick, however, is the alleged "franchise goalie" Carey Price, who Gainey famously described as "a thoroughbred" as part of a bile-filled, get-back-to-your-kitchen-woman rant at unsuspecting reporters. The parallel here with Nero making his horse a senator should be obvious, or perhaps Bob just wants to ride around on Price's shoulders for a while. You can't be sure, he's crazy!
He has also made a number of trades, all of them terrible, but some providing unique insight into his crazed mind. For example, after promising "a big centre", Gainey traded half the island of Montreal to the New York Rangers and acquired Scott Gomez in return, who we all know is 5'2" and 107 lbs. He just doesn't see the world like the rest of us! His continued loyalty to Dallas for providing his schemes with their starting point is also clear; in 2008 he shipped proud native Montrealer Mike 'Michel' Ribero to Dallas in return for sleeper agent saboteur Janne Niinimaa, perhaps the worst defenseman of all time.
In free agency, Gainey exiled the heroic Saku Koivu to the wastes of Anaheim while giving vast quantities of money to the decaying corpse of Roman Hamrlik. Dr. Doom got nothin' on this.
Gainey also instituted a "reform" of the coaching staff. He shamefully presided over the summary execution of Claude Julien, seizing the reins of power for himself before installing a puppet regime under his brainwashed stooge Guy Carbonneau. When Carbonneau's conditioning showed signs of failure and independent thought he was purged as well, leading to Gainey resuming coaching duties until Jacques Martin, who is so old he can't tie his shoes any more and needs a team of nurses to cut up his food and style his hair, was installed as the latest figurehead.
Fake Resignation, The Puppetmaster Era
In 2010 even the dullest observers were beginning to be suspicious of Gainey's true intentions regarding the Canadiens, so he instituted the next phase of his plan, pretending to resign as GM while in fact turning over power to an automaton of his own design, dubbed "Pierre Gauthier". The Gauthier device has had it's 'bona fides' meticulously established over many years, leading many people to believe it is an actual person. Do not be fooled!
Through "Gauthier", Gainey continues to make all the decisions and pull all the strings that will further his lunatic plan for the destruction of the Canadiens and the despair of the club's many innocent fans. The latest evidence of this is the trade of Jaroslav Halak to the St. Louis Blues, prolonging the drunken debauched reign of Carey Price, and the latest entry draft, in which not a single francophone hero was drafted.
The greatest trick Bob Gainey ever pulled was convincing the world he had resigned. He's like the Illuminati or something though, behind the scenes even now, hatching his plots like some bald angry looking spider. Beware.
Future Plans
Once he has finished destroying the Habs, I think he's going to build a giant magnet or a weather control machine or something. Dude is nuts.
