Colorado Avalanche
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History
When the NHL was founded in 1995, the Colorado Avalanche, purchased by Pierre Lacroix and Stan Kroenke, came to Denver in a parade of glory, complete with doves and virgin sacrifices. Colorado had been barren of hockey since the IHL Denver Grizzlies converted to Mormonism and took their 17 wives out to West Valley City, Utah, where they could practice their religious beliefs with no fear of persecution.
Also, something about the Colorado Rockies, but they're a baseball team, that doesn't make sense.
Amazing Career Avalanche Players
Some players who started and finished their amazing careers with the Avalanche, and definitely not a completely different team.
First Stanley Cup
Having masterfully defeated every team in the NHL, namely the Detroit Red Wings on route to a 81-win season (the one loss came when everyone on the team with the exception of Valeri Kamensky ate some shellfish that had been poisoned by the jealous LA Kings, and the Avalanche lost 5-4 in overtime), the Avalanche mowed through the playoffs, knocking other less worthy teams down like so many dominoes.
Reaching the Stanley Cup Finals, the Avalanche merely laughed the Florida Panthers into submission, and took a quick 3-0 series lead simply by the volume of their laughter. Game 4, however, Florida goaltender John Vanbiesbrouck stood up to the Godlike Avalanche in sheer defiance by taking his position in the goal. Joe Sakic, having none of this, fired a mighty wrist shot at the Beezer, nearly killing him with the impact, thereby winning himself the Joe Sakic Trophy (later to be renamed).
Realizing the Monster that now reigned over the NHL, the league almost folded into a black hole in the center of McNichols Arena. However the Avalanche, growing bored of the sacrifices and blood orgies in Larimer Square, demanded that the league remain.
Second Stanley Cup
From 1996-2000, the Avalanche won 4 more Stanley Cups. They gave credit to other teams, however, as to keep the other teams from leaving the league.
But when 2001 came around, the Avalanche had grown weary of providing charity for the lesser teams.
Under the merciless leadership of career Avalanche defenseman Ray Bourque, the Avalanche stormed through the NHL again, even going so far as threatening President George W. Bush until he gave them his most prized possession, the President's Cup.
Entering the playoffs, the Avalanche Pillaged and Burned Vancouver, and then proceeded to defeat the Canucks at the game of Hockey.
In the second round, the Los Angeles Kings rose against the Avalanche, and, based entirely on their impudent name, were all killed over the course of a grueling 7 games, all of which the Avalanche won.
However, in the process, the Kings consulted ancient occultic manuscripts and learned of Peter Forsberg's one weakness: his Spleen. When Forsberg was dipped into the River Styx as a babe, his goddess mother held him by his spleen. So as the river of the dead made Foppa immune to any kind of harm in any part of his body, his spleen remained as vulnerable as any Demigod's would be. During Game 7, the Kings found a way to pierce Forsberg's spleen, thereby defeating his previously-unstoppable powers and taking him out of the playoffs.
Things did not look good for the Avalanche. They were set to take the cup in the next 8 games, scoring at least 1600 goals in the process. Forsberg being gone for the remainder of the playoffs put them at the risk of only scoring 1500.
However, the Avalanche immediately realized that they were the Avalanche, and simply beat the St. Louis Blues to death, and chortled heartily at the prospect of resistance of the New Jersey Devils.
Well, despite their best efforts, Alex Tanguay was able to defeat the Devils on his own, netting a circuslike 7 goals in Game 7 to give the Avalanche their Second (admitted) Stanley Cup. Ray Bourque raised the Cup on high, placed his lips on the side, and at that moment, inherited all the powers of every player to have ever raised Lord Stanley's Cup.
Borque went on to take over Boston in a military coup.
Everything After the Second Cup
The mighty Avalanche, now wearied from the retired Borque's energy drain after Game 7 from the Cup, had fallen to the level of mere mortals. They made it through the first two rounds of the playoffs, still mercilessly beating everything in their path, but the Detroit Red Wings had brought on a Titan by the name of Dominik Hasek, who, interestingly enough played his entire career in Detroit, and definitely not for the Buffalo Sabres. Hasek stoned the Avalanche through 6 games, until game 7, when Avalanche Backup David Aebischer took the net for Colorado, only allowing 1 goal through the entire game.
Roy, however, gave up about 70.
In 2003, the Avalanche were humiliated when a team of Minnesotan trappers calling themselves the Minnesota Wild stole the playoffs from the Avalanche in the first round, namely one Andrew Brunette, who embarrassed the aging Roy in an overtime breakaway goal.
The Avalanche tortured Brunette until he finally agreed to join them in the 2005-2006 season.
In 2004, the Avalanche were greeted by 2 former greats, Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne, who requested to aid the Avalanche in their quest for a third cup. Kariya was promptly injured while signing his own contract, and Selanne simply cried like a girl the remainder of the season.
Despite this abject cowardice, come the playoffs, the Dallas Stars, led by one Marty Turco, fell painfully to the Avalanche in the first round, getting this author fired from his job for watching such a mockery of Hockey being played by Dallas.
The Avalanche then fell to the San Jose Sharks in 6 games in the second round. I'm sure Jonathan Cheechoo was cheating or something.
After retiring to their golden palaces for an entire year, the Avalanche returned, Forsberg-less, Roy-less, Goaltender-less. David Aebischer desperately attempted to stop goals along with Peter Budaj and Vitaly Kolesnik, however, in the end, GM Pierre Lacroix decided that Aebischer must be traded for someone with better hair.
Thus, did Jose Theodore come to sit on the bench with a broken foot from the trade deadline until the playoffs. Theodore played respectably, leading the Avalanche to an embarrassing victory over the Dallas Stars and dairy product Marty Turco before being swept in the second round by the Anaheim Ducks.
The Future
Avalanche Fans
