Alabama Crimson Tide

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Guess I'd better go recruit some black boys

The Crimson Tide compete in the Southeastern Conference. Although the university has made up several intriguing stories regarding the origins of the "Crimson Tide" name (early versions of which blamed "red communists"), the truth is that no one has a damn clue why a university in Alabama named its sports teams after an oceanic phenomenon. The elephant mascot is believed to have its origins in former university president Bibb Graves' enjoyment at seeing large, powerful, dark skinned African animals put into servitude of European masters.

All good Alabama fans hate Auburn University and the University of Tennessee. The rivalry with Auburn can best be compared to the "rivalry" between Israel and Hezbollah, with the exception that there is currently no "road map for peace" between Alabama and Auburn. Alabama and Auburn fans are unable to agree on anything except that the NCAA sucks and that their rivalry is the most intense in the nation.


Coaching staff in heated argument deep in the bowels of Bryant-Denny Stadium. QB coach Denzel Washington sees no need for five consecutive bubble screens.

Alabama claims to have won over 46 national football championships to date, although neutral sources paid off by Notre Dame claim that only six are legitimate. Alabama claims national titles bestowed by the UPI, AP, ESPN, and FWA polls, as well as all future national championships won by Alabama fans playing any version of EA Sports NCAA Football. Alabama tends to schedule such prestigious out of conference opponents as Utah State, Florida Atlantic, and Temple.

Paul "Bear" Bryant

Paul William "Bear" Bryant was known by many names. In Alabama, one of those names is "God." Bryant gained his "Bear" nickname when he a traveling circus came to his town in Arkansas. Being the 14 year old redneck that he was, Bryant decided to wrestle a bear and survived the encounter. Although he reportedly hated the "Bear" nickname, it stuck to him and approximately 13,000 small businesses in Alabama for life. Bryant is most widely known for recruiting future All-American running back and kick return specialist Forrest Gump in 1960. His life is chronicled in the Bryant Museum on Alabama's campus. To find it, you go down Bryant Boulevard toward Bryant-Denny Stadium past Bryant Hall. If you see the Mary-Harmon Bryant building, you've gone off course. If you see Bryant High School, you're in the wrong part of town entirely. If you don't see at least three businesses with some variant of "Crimson", "Tide", "Bama", "Bear", or "Bryant" in their names, you've left Tuscaloosa.

The record reveals Bryant also coached Maryland, Kentucky, and Texas A&M, but Tide fans will have none of that.

The Dark Times

Following the death of Bear Bryant, the Crimson Tide has hired such excellent coaches as Ray Perkins (who left for the NFL), Bill Curry (who was so scared by the migration of a brick through his window that he has suffered from mental retardation ever since), Mike Dubose (small run-in with NCAA), Dennis Franchione (who left to kill the Texas A&M program), and Mike Price (sentenced to coach at UTEP after a drunken encounter with a stripper), and most recently Mike Shula(fired because everyone suddenly realized he wasn't The Bear). The only bright spot has been the 1992 team coached by Gene Stallings that won a national championship victory over the Miami Hurricanes. Stallings was immediately fired due to his failure to win two national championships in the same year. Rich Rodriguez was pursued but turned them down in favor of hillbillies and couch fires.

The Return

On January 3, 2007 Nick Saban was named Alabama Crimson Tide head coach, much to the dismay of many Miami Dolphins fans. Although his first season was a mere 6-6 record, he was still able to beat the University of Colorado in the Independence Bowl.

The 2008 Team would go on to destroy everyone on their schedule, including that farm school on the other side of the state 36-0 and were on pace to make it to the National Championship Game but were stopped unexpectedly by the Lord and Savior Himself, Tim Tebow. They would go on to lose to the Utah Utes in the Sugar Bowl

The 2009 Piggly Wiggly National Championship Team

These Tears are like sweet delicious mana from heaven

The 2009 Season brought much hype for the Tide. They were ranked #5 in the preseason polls and had high expectations. They started the season strong by defeating the Virginia Tech Hokies in the 2009 Chik-Fil-A Winn Dixie ACC Ownage Kick-off Classic with a score of 34-24.

They would then begin their campaign of domination by beating everyone, including a 12-10 thriller against the real UT, in which a 700 lb. Nose Tackle Named Terrance Cody would jump 62 feet in the air and block a game winning field goal.

They would make it to the SEC Championship to once again face off against the Florida Gators and the Holy Spirit. This time, with Roman efficiency, the Tide would crucify the saint himself and put an end to his righteousness and piety with a final score of 32-13.

They would go on and take their victory lap against the other UT who wishes they could be in the SEC in the BCS National Championship Game. The final score was Alabama 37 - Colt McCoy's Shoulder 0.

The National Title was then brought back home to the state of Alabama, where it went on a 17 city, Walmart Parking Lot tour.

Men's basketball

The basketball team is coached by Anthony Grant. Grant is a well-spoken coach and known for his tenacious style of play he instills in his teams. Most often, he can be heard speaking on the subject of attendance. He often asks, "Softball, gymnastics and football recruiting are more important around here? Seriously?" Many Alabama fans are unaware a basketball team exists.

Women's gymnastics

Arguably the second most popular sport at Alabama, the gymnastics team is very well supported. The average home gymnastics meet is attended by roughly 6,000 women who love gymnastics and 3,500 men who love seeing fit college-aged girls in leotards bounce around, dance to music, and flip with their legs split open. SAS poster Giant Squid has himself been known to attend gymnastics meets with his girlfriend while slyly checking out the hot asses of the competitors.

They call Alabama the Crimson Tide

Call me Deacon Blues.

It was originally speculated that the song was written about the losing Wake Forest University Demon Deacons, and the NCAA Division I championship Crimson Tide football teams, which was confirmed in a Rolling Stone interview, when group member Donald Fagen said, “Walter and I had been working on that song at a house in Malibu. I played him that line, and he said, “You mean it’s like, ‘They call these cracker assholes this grandiose name like the Crimson Tide, and I’m this loser, so they call me this other grandiose name, Deacon Blues?’” And I said, “Yeah!” He said, “Cool! Let’s finish it!”, and this is coming from a band named after a particularly nasty fictional dildo.



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